Strictly week two: ballroom bonanza
Friday, 25 September 2009
Last week we had the good (Ali Bastian), the bad (Joe Calzaghe) and the ugly (that hilarious group mambo), so tonight we settled down expecting more of the same. And that’s what we got – sort of.
Having 14 or 16 couples makes the early stages of Strictly feel a bit like a marathon. While it might make sense to have all the celebs dance the same handful of dances in their respective first weeks, the endless waltzes and cha-chas get a bit – well – samey. There are only so many times you can watch a whisk and chasse or a syncopated New York and think, "Wow, we’ve not seen that recently!" And it doesn’t help the celebs when their professional partners come out (come ahhht!) and dance the sort of showcase that serves only to illustrate just how very good they can be when they feel like it.
But I’m being ungrateful. To the dances!
Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone
Dance: tango
Music: Spider of the Night
Some of this year’s celebs would be hopeless at poker. Natalie, for example, seems to have decided on her winning strategy. It’s "I’M A BIG GIRL AND WOMEN CAN IDENTIFY WITH ME!!!" with a side helping of "I’M THE BIGGEST STRICTLY FAN EVAH AND I’M LOVING IT!" Which is fine. It’s also nice for Vincent that he has a partner with some personality this year, after last year’s charisma no-go zone.
Anyway, they did a tango, and Natalie got to take her haughty tango face for a spin (not too far off her Sonia-in-a-mardy face). The start was quite dramatic and so was the end, but it sagged in the middle. Next…
Zoe Lucker and James Jordan
Dance: waltz
Music: Some Day My Chav Prince Will Come
I’ve always struggled to takes James Jordan seriously. He kept picking on me at the Strictly tour at the O2 in February by merit of winking and grinning and waving his cape/Ola’s skirt directly at me (my fault for being in the front row). He had the temerity to flyer the car park during our Strictly event in June (would have loved to see him and Ola going around in the torrential rain that night putting their leaflets under windscreen wipers). And now the most tooth-rottingly sickly waltz to the Snow White music. No more, James; you’re hurting my ribs.
The judges loved this one, but I was a bit lukewarm. There’s a stretch of the M25 clockwise between junctions 8 and 9 when the road surface is very juddery, and at times I thought Zoe was dancing on that – especially in her standing spins. It lacked the smoothness and flow I’d associate with a really good waltz, and for a reasonably tall couple I didn’t feel they got much movement out of the steps. Good for a first week effort though.
Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace
Dance: tango
Music: Jai Ho (Pussycat Dolls)
I was convinced from the training footage that Craig Kelly, who is not Henry Kelly from Going for Gold no matter how much I squint, was going to be great. And actually I thought his tango had a lot going for it. Flavia went all Bollywood with the music and choreo, so there was a funky sort of many-armed Hindu god bit at the beginning, and then it all went a bit paso (in a good way). Craig looked the part and shouted "HA!" a lot. But the judges didn’t much like it and rated it only one point higher than Lynda’s tango last week. I hope they do a good job with the rhumba tonight, because otherwise Craig’s going to be in that mid-table danger zone.
Richard Dunwoody and Lilia Kopylova
Dance: waltz
Music: Truly (Lionel Richie)
Being a lifelong racing fan in no small part due to Desert Orchid’s exploits in the late ’80s, I’m a big fan of Richard Dunwoody, so I make absolutely no excuse for being biased. His waltz wasn’t brilliant on lots of levels, but it was rather touching, and vastly better than Joe Calzaghe’s tango last week. His standing spin actually wasn’t bad at all. If Richard survives elimination tonight, Lilia has a lot of work to do to correct some of the posture issues that come with a career-ending shoulder injury and a lifetime of crouching low on a racehorse’s back, but I’m rooting for them. Though that bit at the end when he had to press his head against Lilia’s boob was pretty weird…
Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke
Dance: tango
Music: El Choclo
Did anyone else think Laila looked a lot like Deanna Troi from Star Trek: TNG with her hair like that?
It’s been a while since we last saw Anton do a tango. I don’t count Kate Garraway’s rag-doll impression in series five. It’s obvious that he’s been plotting how to pull off the perfect tango. 1) Get a partner who isn’t appalling. 2) Pander to Len by starting in hold. 3) Profit.
It was a creditable tango, but as with Zoe Lucker, I didn’t quite get the judge-love. For me, Laila looked disinterested rather than tango-stern, and there was a painful hesitation in the middle when something went wrong. Again, though, good for the first week, and wasn’t it a bit inevitable that they’d play up the Footballers’ Wives rivalry with equal scores?
Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas
Dance: waltz
Music: Sam (Olivia Newton-John)
Much has been written about Phil’s laziness. They’ve even played it up on ITT by mentioning how he’s done just about the least training of any of the celebs. And yet what’s been forgotten is what a canny sort old Tuffers is.
He cut a rather old-fashioned image in his tailsuit, even with his hair looking like he’d not bothered to comb it, but he wore it well, and when he started dancing it was with an incredibly natural, easy charm. It was an enjoyable dance to watch because Phil gave no hint whatsoever that he was nervous or uncomfortable or even slightly concerned about getting it wrong or looking stupid (which he didn’t). His footwork was excellent, and it’s seldom mentioned how that contributes to the flow and movement of a dance.
Tuffers won I’m a Celebrity a few years ago by merit of his likeability, and that – combined with a healthy dollop of natural ability – will take him quite far. I wonder if the later stages of Strictly will find him out when finesse becomes more important.
Jo Wood and Brendan Cole
Dance: tango
Music: Let’s Dance (David Bowie)
Brendan probably thinks he’s been given the older lady this year because he’s had models for the last two. He’s wrong. Brendan: Jo Wood is your karmic punishment for That Showdance.
Jo looked terrified in every single shot from the Tesspit, so whoever scheduled her second from last has a sick sense of humour. The hair and make-up department must be similarly twisted because she came out looking like an unholy cross between Barbara Windsor and a Pekingese dog. Brendan delivered on a threat that’s been hanging over Strictly since series three – namely a tango to Let’s Dance – but it did actually work, and the singers didn’t even murder it too badly, so it’s a shame it had to accompany Jo’s tango, which was…well, pretty much what you might have expected…
Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe
Dance: waltz
Music: It Is You (I Have Loved) aka That Song From Shrek (Dana Glover)
And here, to the ringing of giant bells rung by the ring-wearing bellringers of Ringston, Ringshire, comes Ricky Whittle. Okay, that’s not really fair, because until Calzaghe’s implosion last week Ricky was only third or fourth favourite, but he seems to have had it in the bag since last week’s mambo. He’s from Hollyoaks, which apparently guarantees him the yoof vote, and took pains to point out that in his day job he’s lucky to be wearing more than just his pants. I make no further comment.
Anyway, he has new pro Hayley Holt Natalie Lowe, and being an old hand at Australian Dancing With The Stars she knows how the game is played. Cue some excellent and inventive choreography. Ricky did slip (which Len ignored when giving him a 9 anyway), and he had a peculiar tendency to dip his head into some steps, especially when in promenade, but yes, he’s good. Get used to him. He ain’t going nowhere.
The judges
It took me a while to decide if Alesha’s shoulders really were up around her ears all night or if that was just the effect created by the mortal remains of Emu stuck to them. Her humongous earrings also had the unfortunate effect of stretching her earlobes floorward. Lest I be criticised for judging only on her appearance, though – she was better this week. I don’t know if she’s been coached, or if Len was just passing her notes from down the desk (it’s possible that one of them had se-VERN! written on it), but she did manage to contribute more this week than last.
The group desecration of Michael Jackson’s still-warm corpse
No, it wasn’t that bad, but you know. Actually, it was a ridiculously huge improvement on the mambo from last week. As usual, it was hard to pick out much detail with seven couples on the floor, the frantic camerawork and the mentally scarring sight of Ian Waite doing his damnedest to show off the terrain south of his bellybutton on primetime television. Ali Bastian seemed to be wearing the bits of Emu that weren’t adorning Alesha’s shoulders, but looked very good. Chris Hollins is still a cracking mover, but Ola needs to do something about his hands; possibly with a meat cleaver. Joe Calzaghe showed glimmers of promise and definitely looked much more comfortable in a group situation. And Ricky Groves continued on his quest to book himself into the late stages of the series with a pretty damned perfect moonwalk which didn’t require him to open his mouth even a little bit.
Roll on the – sigh – endless rhumbas and cha-chas…