Strictly 2009 line-up: Sports vs Soaps!

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

So the line-up is official – we were Tweeting the news on the Strictly Dancers Twitter stream as it happened this morning (thanks to all our fellow Strictly Twitterers for spreading the news, keeping us company, and generally making it seem almost like we were in that press conference ourselves…)

It’s definitely the sports stars vs the soap actors this year, with a few others sprinkled in – though, oddly, no musicians, models or comedians. What the field lacks in depth, though, it makes up for in the form of a couple of coup signings. And we’ve had our first formal introduction to the three new lady pros, Katya, Natalie and Aliona (though we’d worked out who they were, like, literally DAYS ago, innit).

So here we go: the Strictly runners and riders, 2009:

Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna

In the soap corner, not only from Hollyoaks but from The Bill too, we have Ali Bastian – who apparently used to go out with Kevin Sacre, who’s now Camilla Dallerup’s fiance, so isn’t it a good thing she’s left? Awkward! Anyway, she’s young and blonde and being an actress will have some sort of dance background, so she should have a live chance

Lynda Bellingham and Darren Bennett

I suppose it’ll make a change for Darren not to be dancing with someone from Eastenders (wonder if he thought he was a cert for Natalie Cassidy for that reason?) Still, I suspect this is more of a Gloria Hunniford than a Letitia Dean partnership for him. Can’t see why Lynda shouldn’t be perfectly elegant – though a rhumba might be a bit Mrs Robinson.

Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff

Well, they owed Kristina one after John Sergeant, didn’t they? Early favourites with the bookies – and won’t it be interesting to see if they’re the very first couple on, invoking the “first couple to dance gets to the final” hoodoo? If you thought Len and Bruno had exhausted all their Welsh jokes with Gethin, think again – and the Italian connection is going to send Bruno completely loopy. Oh, wait, that already happened…

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone

Vincent picks up his second Strictly Eastender, though I don’t think Natalie will go as far as Louisa Lytton did. It’s the typical curse of the previous year’s runner-up though – they generally get someone a bit rubbish. Oh well, Natalie could surprise us all – if she doesn’t murder Vinthent first…

Richard Dunwoody and Lilia Kopylova

Now, I think people are being unfair about Dunwoody. He’s a sportsman, he’s fit, he’s up for a laugh (he walked 1000 miles in 1000 consecutive hours for charity – yes, literally, he only got to sleep for an hour at a time for over a month), and Lilia’s a good teacher. He also has the whole Desert Orchid connection going for him. Give the man a chance. If he has any sort of rhythm he could be a dark horse. Not literally, though, because he’s not actually a horse.

Ricky Groves and Erin Boag

I bet Erin’s grinding her (very expensive) teeth afresh at the injustice of Austin being knocked out by Lisa Snowdon last year, because – honestly – I don’t think she has a chance with this year’s chappie. He could hang in there on personality, but I’m not sure I see him breaking out the funky moves in the cha-cha…

Martina Hingis and Matthew Cutler

Now this one is interesting, isn’t it? Bit of a revelation that the Beeb managed to get Martina (I won’t draw any parallels to last year’s Jodie Kidd and the baggage they have in common; no sir I won’t) but given that she admits she’s never even watched Strictly, how is she going to take it? Will floppy Matt (I’m talking about his hair – HIS HAIR!) manage after several years of easy-going girls? Will she actually be really good and set up our first double Strictly champion? Dunno. Next…

Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan

Who do I pity more? Ola for getting her third duffer in a row, or Chris for getting the architect of THAT TANGO? Oh, I’m unkind. But he’s not an obvious ringer, and, well, the most memorable things about Ola’s routines recently have involved complete insanity or a sprayed-on catsuit.

Jade Johnson and Ian Waite

Hello flashback to series 2. So Jade Johnson danced with Roger Black in that Strictly Sport Relief thing. It’s a bit like wife-swapping, isn’t it? Jade danced with Roger, Roger danced with Camilla, Camilla danced with Ian, Ian dances with Jade. Anyway, she did a cha-cha and it was a bit rubbish, but since she’s dancing with Ian she must be tall, which means rubbish Latin, decent ballroom, and zero height on the lifts in Smooth because Ian’s back is crocked. Meh.

Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace

I swear the first time I read his name I thought “Henry Kelly? HELL YEAH!” Because the Going for Gold puns would have been just indescribable. Then I read it again, thought “Who hell he?”, Googled it and realised it’s Vince from Queer as Folk. He’ll feel at home, then, because there’s nowt as queer as Strictly folk. Anyway, bit of an unknown, but can’t be worse for Flav than Tarby or Phil Daniels.

Zoe Lucker and James Jordan

Never watched Footballers’ Wives, so don’t have much to say about her, but I wonder if James will learn that discretion is the better part of valour this year? Irrelevant fact: James and Ola live less than a mile from where I work. I’ve probably bumped into him at Asda without even knowing it. Also, he completely picked on me at the O2. Ask Laura, she was there… Yup, this is padding because I don’t know what else to say about Zoe. Next…

Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke

I’m thrilled that Anton has scored someone approximately one third the age of his usual Strictly partners this year. Really, I am. Because she’ll probably be pretty decent, and that means we’ll get to see Anton do Latin. If the gods really smile, we’ll get to see him do a samba. That would be the highlight of my year.

Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas

Now it gets difficult because we’re onto the new pros, and I don’t know much about them to wit on. Well, Tuffers has the personality to win these things (see I’m a Celebrity, circa the last time I bothered to watch it), but isn’t he notoriously, er, lazy? Nicknamed “The Cat” not for being quick but for being able to sleep anywhere at any time? Hope Katya has a whip to crack – she might need it…

Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe

Another Hollyoakser, which means I know squat about him, but he looks the part and should pick up the yoof vote. Obviously the yoof will be watching X Factor, though, so he’s doomed. Anyway, consensus is that he has a good chance, so it could be a good first Strictly year for Natalie. Or he could be just like Mark Foster and be inexplicably appalling. Time will tell.

Rav Wilding and Aliona Vilani

Am I the only one who thinks “Aliona Vilani” sounds like a femme fatale from a Bond movie? And for that matter Rav Wilding is a bit Fleming. Anyway, I’ve revised my opinion since writing about Ricky Whittle and Natalie and have decided that Rav could be this year’s Mark Foster. Big chap by the looks and, by his own admission, has never danced before. Could be a revelation, could be a car crash. Good luck, Meester Wilding…

Jo Wood and Brendan Cole

Brendan’s had two models in a row, so it was probably his turn for a lady of an older persuasion. His face is just so graphic when he’s got a duffer, though. Still, I’m sure Jo won’t be Fiona Phillips again. Jo will probably suffer from “the Pennys”, aka “no one likes someone who’s only famous for being someone’s wife”. On the bright side, this means we probably won’t get another sampling of Brendan’s showdance choreography. Someone has, thankfully, thought of the children.

So that’s it – all sixteen couples. There was more news today, but frankly you’re probably bored of me wittering on by now, so I intend to shut up.

Early thoughts on the winner, though? Calzaghe is this year’s Austin Healy. Will probably do pretty well and then go out in some unfair circumstances near the end. Lynda Bellingham could pick up a bit of an older lady vote, especially with the whole Arlene furore. Would be surprised if any of the new gals won, even with their likely-looking partners. Oh, I just don’t know. But don’t rule out Dunwoody. He’s a brave and persistent man. You don’t win the Grand National without some real cajones.

Hell, he’s going to turn out to be this year’s Gary Rhodes, isn’t he?

Anyone got anything to add? Post your thoughts…