The BBC has just reported that three new male pros will be joining the roster: Robin Windsor, Jared Murillo and Artem Chigvintsev.

There will be fourteen celebrities competing in the show this year, partnered with the following professionals:

Men: Anton du Beke, Brendan Cole, James Jordan, Vincent Simone, Robin Windsor, Jared Murilo and Artem Chigvintsev.

Women: Erin Boag, Katya Virshilas, Ola Jordan, Flavia Cacace, Kristina Rihanoff, Aliona Vilani and Natalie Lowe.

And that means that five of our favourite professionals have been taken out behind the ballroom and shot – er, wait, no, they’ve been “offered places in the new Strictly Professional Troupe”.

If you’re counting on your fingers, you’re correct – Ian Waite, Matt Cutler, Brian Fortuna, Darren Bennett and Lilia Kopylova won’t be competing on the show, and instead may or may not be involved with the show in pro dances and other odds and sods.

While you absorb this news, here’s another humdinger – there will be “new genres of dance” this year, both in the competition and in the professional dances. Which could mean almost anything, up to and including Anton wearing a backward baseball cap and spinning on his head.

And reports are coming in that Brian Fortuna has already turned down his spot in Pan’s People, preferring to concentrate on getting the hell out of Dodge Burn the Floor.

So.

For my money, we’ve lost most of the best all-round ballroom and Latin choreographers and dancers, plus Lilia who’s always a delight. We have no one tall and blonde. We’ve lost our annual chance to marvel at Darren’s hairline. The tents have been taken from the jamboree. Strictly Come Dancing has stag-leapt over the Great White.

No sir, I don’t like it.

Join the discussion on Twitter!

These tickets are all front row dancefloor seats – best view in the house in my opinion (last year we were front row and got attacked by the male pros with their Moulin Rouge fans; it was like ABH with feathers).

The couples this year are Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan; Austin Healey and Lilia Kopylova, Mark Ramprakash and Kristina Rihanoff; Ricky Groves and Aliona Vilani, Kelly Brook and Matt Cutler; Natalie Cassidy and Darren Bennett; Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna; and Zoe Lucker and James Jordan. Plus Ian Waite and Natalie Lowe are doing duty as the non-celebrity-paired pros this year.

Update: All these tickets have now been sold!

The tickets

• SOLD! Two dancefloor Row A tickets for the Trent FM Arena, Nottingham, at 7.30pm on Wednesday 27 January (tickets are in hand)
• SOLD! Two dancefloor Row A tickets for the Trent FM Arena, Nottingham, at 7.30pm on Thursday 28 January (tickets still to come)
• SOLD! Two dancefloor Row A tickets for the Trent FM Arena, Nottingham, at 7.30pm on Monday 8 February (tickets are in hand)
• SOLD! Two dancefloor Row A tickets for the Trent FM Arena, Nottingham, at 7.30pm on Tuesday 9 February (tickets are in hand)

Drop me a line if you’re interested in any of them!

You’re spoilt for choice if you want to see the Strictly Come Dancing professional dancers performing live at the end of a pier near you in 2010. The arena tour in January/February is being followed up by a professionals-only tour running from April to July. Brendan Cole is getting in on the act with his Unjudged tour kicking off just before Christmas. Anton and Erin are off on their own again, while Darren and Lilia’s Latin Fever looks likely to reprise, and Vincent and Flavia are debuting their Fantasia tour.

It’s all a lot for a Strictly fan to take in! So here’s our quick guide to when and where you can see the Strictly pros on tour in 2010.

Strictly Come Dancing – The Live Tour

When: January and February 2010

Where: Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham, Nottingham, Sheffield, London, Glasgow, Belfast and Newcastle

The original and biggest Strictly tour will feature eight celebrities from the TV show, teaming up with eight professionals – though not necessarily their original partners! Confirmed celebrities so far are Mark Ramprakash, Austin Healy, Kelly Brook, Ali Bastian, Natalie Cassidy and Zoe Lucker.

The professionals haven’t been announced yet, though we know that some of them won’t be there – don’t expect to see Anton du Beke or Erin Boag (doing their own tour), Brendan Cole (ditto), Vincent Simone or Flavia Cacace. And former Strictly pros Karen Hardy, Camilla Dallerup and Nicole Cutler are similarly unlikely to return, so there’ll have to be some mix-and-match partnerships.

The original judging panel will be back for some shows, with Craig Revel-Horwood, Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli and Arlene Phillips reprising their roles, but Arlene and Len will both be missing some shows.

These big arena shows have all the glitz of the TV show, but lose something in the sheer scale – especially if you’re up in the suicide seats. On the plus side, being performed essentially in the round gives a good view no matter where you are in the arena. Dance floor seats are great fun if you can get your hands on them, but lower tier probably offer a better overall view of the action.

Check the event calendar for more details >>

Strictly Come Dancing – The Professionals

When: April, May, June and July 2010

Where: Brighton, Birmingham, Dublin, Cardiff, Leicester, Southampton, Plymouth, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Bristol, Bournemouth

Ten of the professional dancers from the 2009 Strictly roster make up the cast for this new tour. Vincent Simone and Flavia Cacace, James and Ola Jordan, Brian fortuna and Kristina Rihanoff, Ian Waite and Natalie Lowe and Matt Cutler and Aliona Vilani have been confirmed for this theatre-style tour, accompanied by a live band. It’s hard to know exactly what to expect, though it would seem likely that it’ll be a selection of new and old pro dances – and since Vince and Flav are there, there’s bound to be an Argentine tango.

I’ve never seen the Strictly dancers doing a stage show, and some of the detail may be lost with only a single front for them to work to, but this show looks like a good bet if you’re more a fan of the pro dancers than of the celebrity pairings!

Check the event calendar for more details >>

Brendan Cole Live and Unjudged

When: December 2009 – January 2010

Where: Brighton, Poole, Cheltenham, Nottingham, Blackpool, Buxton, Newcastle, Liverpool, Manchester, Croydon, Southend, Cardiff, Sheffield, Scarborough, Ipswich, Truro, Southsea

Brendan Cole is stealing a march on everyone else by starting his tour before Christmas!

I haven’t heard much about the content, but there’s a rumour that former Strictly pros Nicole Cutler and Andrew Cuerden are involved, and also that Brendan’s celeb partner Jo Wood may be turning up for one night only to reprise their partnership.

Check the event calendar for more details >>

Anton and Erin – Steppin’ Out

When: January and February 2010

Where: Northampton, Birmingham, Nottingham, Gateshead, Blackpool, Bridgewater, Bradford, Bournemouth, London, Portsmouth, Liverpool, Belfast, Dublin, Glasgow, Edinburgh,
Cardiff, Plymouth, Bristol, Eastbourne, Croydon, Brighton, Basingstoke

Anton du Beke and Erin Boag are veterans of the solo tour, having eschewed the main tour for three years running.

If ballroom is your thing then this is the tour for you. I haven’t seen how well it works on stage versus in the round, but there’ll certainly be a level of polish to this one!

Check the event calendar for more details >>

Vincent and Flavia – Fantasia tour

When: March 2010

Where: Folkestone, Bideford, Prestwich, Portishead

Vincent and Flavia’s Fantasia tour takes in most weekends in March, and takes the form of a series of dance breaks at hotels around the country. These breaks are organised by Holidays for Dancers, an experienced dance-break company.

Some of these offer the opportunity of dance workshops with the professionals, but all involve a cabaret and autograph/photo opportunity as well as hotel accommodation, meals and social dancing.

Check the event calendar for more details >>

Darren and Lilia – Latin Fever

When: TBA

Where: TBA

Darren Bennett and Lilia Kopylova’s Latin Fever show took in a run of performances in London and Birmingham last year and indications are that they’ll be reprising it this year.

We’ll add details as soon as we have them!

Check the event calendar for more details >>

I have an excuse, anyway. The dog ate my blog. Okay, not really, but we are running an event with Brian and Kristina for 300 people this weekend, and that’s been taking up most of my time. An alternative excuse was that I lost the will to live after 15 minutes watching three boring F1 pundits standing around in the rain talking before Strictly came on.

So this will be short and sweet…

Ricky Groves and Erin Boag

Dance: jive
Music: Boy from NYC (Darts)

It’s Ricky G, it’s Latin, so I make it time for a comedy routine. Which it was, complete with a comb as a prop. Somehow it didn’t have the impact of their cha or paso, so maybe the joke’s wearing thin? Erin must be running out of hi-larious ideas by now. It’ll be interesting to see how she makes Ricky’s rhumba comedy. Maybe they’ll re-enact that scene from When Harry Met Sally?

Jade Johnson and Ian Waite

Dance: Viennese waltz
Music: It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World (Seal)

I didn’t much like the music, and I’m not sure why they’ve reverted to the corset-on-the-outside style of dress for Jade…but apart from that, hard to criticise this much. As with the quickstep, Ian seldom does a bad Viennese. Effortless.

Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna

Dance: jive
Music: Tuitti Frutti

Brian started off with his patented hair-slick, which was sadly missing from their salsa. This was a really ambitious jive and, while some elements were perhaps a bridge too far for Ali, a pretty good one. I’m not sure how much Brian liked Len telling him to dial the difficulty down. (Loved him leaving the dance halfway through to sit on Rachel Stevens’ lap though…)

Jo Wood and Brendan Cole

Dance: Viennese waltz
Music: Trouble (Ray LaMontagne)

The dance wasn’t up to much on the whole (v amused by the difficulties Brendan had in taking hold past the chains hanging off Jo’s dress), so this was notable largely for the full-on Cole strop. As many people have already said, I don’t think Craig’s Skippy comment was personal or especially rude, and Bruce was entirely wrong to kick off about it. Still, it’s good to see that they’ve returned the real Brendan!

Zoe Lucker and James Jordan

Dance: jive
Music: Tainted Love (Soft Cell)

Another baffling song choice, which just doesn’t jive (geddit?) with the happy, bouncy nature of the dance for me. It was proficient but somehow not memorable, and in a way it’s not surprising that Zoe ended up in the dance-off. I just don’t think her personality is coming through…

Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe

Dance: Viennese waltz
Music: How Can I Be Sure (David Cassidy)

A lovely Viennese waltz with a lot to recommend it – but not worthy of Alesha’s 10. She’s not doing herself – or Ricky – any favours…

Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace

Dance: jive
Music: It Takes Two (Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston)

And Flavia’s feud with the wardrobe department continues. Turquoise shiny knickerbockers = not a good look. Craig’s jive was very dad-dance, though at least he didn’t have that frozen expression of mortal terror. He can’t be around much longer, though, can he? Can he?

Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff

Dance: jive
Music: Rock This Town (Stray Cats)

Pretending your partner’s leg is a double bass is a new one for Strictly. We’ve had leg-guitar, back-keyboards and imaginary maracas, but – well. Joe looked to be enjoying himself, but the moment we realised he’d scraped himself off the bottom of the table we knew he was a goner…

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone

Dance: Viennese waltz
Music: At Last (Etta James)

They still can’t put Natalie in a dress that flatters her figure. And the elegance of this VW was somewhat impacted by the full-throttle lip-synching to Etta James. Like so many people in this competition, I’m not seeing an upward curve for Natalie.

Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke

Dance: jive
Music: Modern Love (David Bowie)

Step. Away. From the Bowie. Ye Gods, what is it with the sacrilege this year? If that weren’t bad enough, it was the soundtrack to a frankly pretty appalling jive. Any leg action Laila might have had, in between going wrong, was lost in the leg-fringeing that made her look like Spider from Meg and Mog. Anton’s Latin weakness is well-documented, but given he has a decent partner for the first time since ever, you’d think he might take the dances that constitute a full 50% of the competition just a little bit more seriously…

Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas

Dance: Viennese waltz
Music: Mad About The Boy (Dinah Washington)

Great music choice, and – even though Phil seemed to be wearing Ian’s Nasty Grey Tailsuit – I thought this was well danced. Craig’s 4 was really harsh.

Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan

Dance: jive
Music: Roll Over Beethoven (ELO)

More dad-dancing. Chris hasn’t shone since his first-week rhumba, which is a real shame. I don’t think ballroom will ever be his thing, but jive should have suited his compact frame, and this just…didn’t.

Tonight’s filler

We don’t see many good pro-celeb sambas on Strictly, so seeing the pros do it properly is always a treat. Spoilt, naturally, by Anton doing a parody of it in the back corner. In a puke-green shirt. Unbuttoned. Eurgh.

Vincent and Flavia showed off one of their tango-y things, and then Spandau Ballet desecrated their own memory by performing a really dismal version of Gold, which was my personal anthem during finals at university. Not cool, guys.

The dance-off

At last, a dance-off shockah! Of course it was totally inevitable that Joe would go out against anyone else (except possibly Craig), but that story really played second fiddle to Zoe’s misery and James’ flashback to Gabby Logan. Just how few votes must they have had to collapse into the bottom two on that leaderboard?

Next week: samba and American Smooth. They’ve left the hardest till last!

Though Faye still has a few things to say about week four’s shenanigans. Like how most of the Strictly pros still don’t really know what to do with a salsa after three years. And how the foxtrot is still, for the most part, stultifyingly dull. And how someone’s putting acid in the costume designers’ coffee.

On with the dances!

Zoe Lucker and James Jordan

Dance: foxtrot
Music: This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) (Natalie Cole)

Nick: James looked almost respectable in his tails, and while Zoe danced this well, I didn’t see the sex appeal that Bruno did. While Zoe is pretty decent and has the potential to get better, there’s something lacking from her performances. Come on Len, was it really one mark off a 10? I don’t think so!

Faye: I quite respect Zoe for blagging the end of the paso last week, but I didn’t like the music (again) for this, and the choreo reminded me of Cherie Lunghi’s from last year. It’s James’ ballroom hands: they freak me out.

Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan

Dance: cha-cha-cha salsa
Music: Micaela (King Bongo)

Nick: Well the choreography was appalling, but Chris gave it a good go and didn’t look out of place. Craig only gave them a five, which I think was a bit harsh, but I guess 25 was a fair total score. Hopefully Chris will kick on from this, because he’s a likeable chap who dances with a bit of personality.

Faye: The opening outs in this made me prick up my "Aha! A Strictly pro putting cha-cha steps in the salsa!" ears. I didn’t think the extrovert flourishes Ola put in really suited Chris, but I’m hoping he might find his dance next week if he gets jive.

Lynda Bellingham and Darren Bennett

Dance: foxtrot
Music: Calendar Girl (Neil Sedaka)

Nick: Well I really wasn’t looking forward to them, and it was pretty much as expected. Lynda wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Texan whorehouse, and yet again the music was terrible! Stiff, stompy, DULL! How Len gave this a 7 I really don’t know…

Faye: The costume department hasn’t been kind to Lynda, that’s for sure. Pleasant enough, but Nick’s right about Len’s score. It was horribly overmarked.

Brian Fortuna and Ali Bastian

Dance: salsa
Music: Quimbara (Celia Cruz)

Nick: Well this was nice. Actually it was pretty impressive, even if the complex arm routines made it look a bit messy. This girl can dance, but it needed some Reggae Reggae Sauce to spice it up a bit. Mixed comments from the judges but they all ended up giving it 8.

Faye: And from overmarked to chronically undermarked. Len thought this was only one point better than Lynda’s foxwalk?! Oh, please! Brian gave Ali a lot to do, and she handled it very well. We haven’t seen many proper salsas on the show, but this was definitely one of them, and it didn’t score highly enough against the rest of tonight’s offerings.

Jo Wood and Brendan Cole

Dance: foxtrot
Music: Crazy (Jane Horrocks)

Nick: Akin to an eight year old dancing with her dad – Jo looked the part, but she’s still struggling. Craig made me smile by declaring that it was her personal best and then giving her a 4, but no verbal abuse from Brendan this week.

Faye: Would the pod people kindly remove this imposter and bring back the real Brendan Cole?

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone

Dance: salsa
Music: You’ll Be Mine (Party Time) (Gloria Estefan)

Nick: Vincent is kidding himself if he thinks he and Natalie will ever make the top of the leaderboard, and while you can’t knock Natalie’s enthusiasm, I thought this was overmarked. Not terrible, but not setting the world on fire.

Faye: Time for the obligatory Gloria Estefan salsa tune. Natalie’s still struggling with stamina, and this dance noticeably ran out of steam in the middle.

Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff

Dance: foxtrot
Music: Feeling Good (Michael Buble)

Nick: I’m surprised Len didn’t remark on the fact that it took them half an hour to get into hold, but they made it through. He’s still rubbish though.

Faye: You won’t be saying that to his face if he comes to our show on 25 October. We thought it was quite sweet. He is improving, but not fast enough to get him off the bottom of the table.

Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke

Dance: foxtrot
Music: Just In Time (Frank Sinatra)

Nick: Have to agree it was the best foxtrot of the night, but it’s got to be so much easier for the female celebs in the ballroom. She really couldn’t go wrong with Anton. Solid. But 9s from Len and Alesha? It’s week four for Chrissakes, it wasn’t THAT good.

Faye: Agreed that it was the best ballroom dance of the night, and one of the few foxtrots with proper music, but again very safe, very middle of the road, very Anton. Less than 24 hours later, I can’t think of anything memorable about it.

Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe

Dance: salsa
Music: Dancing Machine (Jackson Five)

Nick: A bit of a backlash from the judges tonight, which isn’t a bad thing, and I have to agree that while it was good, it wasn’t their best dance.

Faye: I don’t like being negative about the celeb who is probably still the best dancer in the competition, but Ricky just bores me. There’s no story, no progression – just Natalie’s steely determination to win. Salsa was ok, but you couldn’t have done that backflip in a club!

Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace

Dance: foxtrot
Music: Sometimes When We Touch (Dan Hill)

Nick: I feel a bit sorry for Craig, he really wants to do well but is flattering to deceive. More Thunderbird puppet than Hollywood idol; it wasn’t great to watch. I called this for the dance-off, and was right!

Faye: Flav’s had a few nasty dresses this year, and this was no exception. Can we say sackcloth and ashes? The song choice was ironic because I don’t feel any connection between Craig and Flavia, Craig and the music or Craig and the audience. He can’t be long for the Strictly world.

Jade Johnson and Ian Waite’s trousers

Dance: samba salsa salsamba (with thanks to Monkseal)
Music: La Isla Bonita (Madonna)

Nick: Nice trousers Ian. Not! The judges called this right: lots of attack but lacked control. A bit like a daddy long legs bouncing off a lightbulb.

Faye: MY EYES MY EYES OH GOD MY EYES. And that’s all I’m going to say about what Ian was wearing. Okay, this was the biggest culprit of the non-salsa salsa, given that it was danced to a song with a samba beat, with a whole load of samba steps. I liked Bruce’s Isle of Man quip though.

Ricky Groves and Erin Boag

Dance: foxtrot
Music: All Of Me (Frank Sinatra)

Nick: What, not going last this week? Unfortunately Ricky was doing ballroom tonight and failed to shine. Again Len overmarked this by at least a point. An eight? Nooooo!!

Faye: It was overmarked, because there’s no way in hell this was as good as Ali and Brian’s salsa (seriously, Len, you’re making a fool of yourself), but I like (this) Ricky and it’s good to see him progress in his weaker discipline.

Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas

Dance: salsa
Music: Long Train Running (Doobie Brothers)

Nick: Phil closed the show, perhaps put on last to give his knee the maximum amount of time to recover. It was obvious they had missed a couple of days training, but as always Phil gave it what for, although the opening bum wiggling routine was a bit much. Someone please tell me what Bruno said, and this time it was Craig who got his paddles mixed up.

Faye: I believe Bruno used the word "arse", which still isn’t as bad as "the hills are alive with the sound of bullshit" from a couple years ago. Loved the song choice, and given that Phil had knee surgery last Sunday he did well to produce a credible routine.

Overall it felt a bit like going through the motions tonight. No in-fighting between the judges, no answering back by the pro dancers. At least Ricky will be back on the Latin next week…

Tonight’s filler

Nick: The tap dancing was jolly irritating, and then the the pro ladies came out and waved their arms around a lot. It improved when Kristina and Aliona turned up, but it all left me a bit cold. And it wasn’t the ice-cream I was eating at the time.

And then Amy Winehouse, and some teenage singer who probably wouldn’t cut it on X-Factor. They must have blown their budget on Andy Williams.

Faye: Yes, but Matt Cutler got his tatt out again. And completely outdanced Aliona. Please God let’s see him jive soon.

The dance-off

Nick: The dance-off had an air of inevitablity: both couples producing pretty wooden performances on the night. Lynda did a competent job but her time had come. Maybe Craig will perform better next week if he’s got nothing to lose.

Faye: We thought Lynda would go through, but there wasn’t much to choose between them. It’s interesting that we’ve now lost two entire pro partnerships: Darren and his syrup Lilia and Matt and Aliona. Also interesting that for the second week, Zoe and James were left to suffer under the lights until quite late on, and so were Jade and Ian’s trousers. That "no particular order" thing doesn’t fool me…

Next week: Viennese waltz and jive. Sadly, as Darren’s gone out, there’ll be no Darren-jive tie action, but we can look forward to an Anton jive instead…

Two years ago, there were enough couples to merit splitting the contestants into boys and girls for the first two weeks, so we never actually got more than twelve dances in a night. Now, under the Bigger Is Better BBC regime, we get fourteen even after two weeks of group shows. It was a long night. But on the bright side, quickstep and paso doble are good dances, and it could have been worse – it could have been foxtrot and salsa week. Oh, hang on, what does my TV guide say about next week’s show?

Oh. Goody.

Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna

Dance: quickstep
Music: I Get A Kick Out Of You (Frank Sinatra)

Brian’s new haircut, while initially startling, actually kind of works in a Cyclops-from-the-X-Men-movies sort of way. Training had been looking good, despite Ali’s ankle injury, and the performance on the night was good, so I can only think that being on first worked against them with the judges trying not to mark too high. (That lasted all of the one dance though). I’m slightly worried Brian may have been taking dance face lessons from Karen Hardy and Camilla Dallerup though.

Lynda Bellingham and Darren Bennett

Dance: paso doble
Music: Devil Woman (Cliff Richard)

If we’re lucky, this will be the closest we’ll get to our annual Cliff Richard appearance on Strictly. I like Lynda, but a tiny part of me thinks Darren has that faraway look of "just a couple more weeks and Lilia and I will be free, FREE!" in his eyes. And he and Vincent had obviously gone shopping at the same cummerbund store. Anyway, it was a credible effort, but Len and Alesha’s 7s made me scoff. Only one point worse than Ali’s quickstep? You jest!

Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan

Dance: quickstep
Music: Dancin’ Fool (from Copacabana)

Tonight, Ola came dressed as the mutant hybrid of Krystal from Dynasty and a Mr Whippy, accessorised with some plastic orange earrings that I suspect came out of a Christmas cracker. I loved this partnership in week one, especially Chris’ rhumba, but the quickstep wasn’t good. I have the horrible feeling that, being one of the weaker pros in ballroom, Ola won’t be able to take Chris as far as he might otherwise with someone else. But they’re still cute.

Zoe Lucker and James Jordan

Dance: paso doble
Music: You’ve Got The Love (Candi Staton)

Worst. Music. Ever. Seriously, who thought this was appropriate for a paso doble? Did James make three Rage Against The Machine suggestions that the BBC didn’t like and end up with this as his punishment? Zoe can move, and she does lovely things with her arms, but it all felt quite static and passive without any drive or passion, and on that basis the judges’ scores seemed over-generous to me.

Rav Wilding and Aliona Vilani

Dance: quickstep
Music: We Go Together (from Grease)

We go together like…a lot of steps that don’t really work, and a partnership that somehow doesn’t either. Rav looked like he enjoyed the dance in spite of his partner and the choreography, and it was energetic enough, but it was just too much of a mess to get anything but criticism. The way the judges laid into Aliona was painful to watch, and I wonder why none of the other pros took her aside after the illegal lift/rhumba posing of Week One to give her some pointers of what flies and what doesn’t in Strictly. Maybe they did. One way or another, though, I think we could have 2009′s Hayley Holt on our hands. I just hope she doesn’t get an email from the BBC…

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone

Dance: paso doble
Music: Malaguena (Connie Francis)

Finally some decent paso music to remind me just how much of a difference it makes in this dance. Something very bad was going on with Natalie’s hair – possible the make-up guys have been taking Bruno’s medication – and the energy of the dance ebbed and flowed, which may be a stamina issue that she needs to overcome. Overall, though, I liked it a lot, and thought it was vastly better than Lynda’s effort.

Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace

Dance: quickstep
Music: Peroxide Swing (Michael Buble)

Yet another mind-boggling confection of hair, with Flavia looking a bit like the alien from, well, Alien, with her hair sticking out of the back of her head like that. It was more comfortable to watch than Craig, though. He looks good in rehearsals, but petrified on the floor, and any connection he might have with Flavia – or the music, or the dance – is lost. I honestly thought they were for the dance-off tonight.

Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe

Dance: paso doble
Music: Espana Cani (aka The Proper Paso Music)

So not only does Natalie score the best natural dancer for her first series, she also gets to use The Proper Paso Music. And Ricky does it justice all right. The trouble with someone who’s so good so early is it’s quite hard to say anything about him. If I were a betting person, I’d lay him to lose, because peaking too soon makes him vulnerable to an improver with a good story.

Jade Johnson and Ian Waite

Dance: quickstep
Music: Fascination (Alphabeat)

Has Ian ever done a bad quickstep? Denise, Zoe, Penny…ok, Jodie’s wasn’t brilliant, but it wasn’t horrible either. It’s just a good dance for him. The athleticism Jade brings to the party really showed, and their leap from the steps was especially impressive. She made a few mistakes, but for me it was the best quickstep of the night for energy and entertainment, and Jade also had one of the few good frocks of the whole evening…

Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff

Dance: paso doble
Music: Livin’ On A Prayer (Bon Jovi)

This is my favouritest ever song to play drums to on Rock Band. So naturally I expected Dave Arch’s wonderful orchestra to murder it, and I wasn’t disappointed. It’s really not a surprise that the audience are saving Joe despite still being the worst dancer, because he’s plainly trying very hard, and so’s Kristina. Though I wasn’t certain if that flying leap over his shoulder at the end was part of the dance or just a cry for help…

Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke

Dance: quickstep
Music: Strike Up The Band (Tony Bennett)

I missed most of this dance, because someone phoned up to enquire about our show with Brian and Kristina during it. Which is fine – we still have a few tickets left – but DURING STRICTLY? Anyway, from what I saw it was very old-school, very traditional, very Anton…not desperately quick. Next week, Anton should be getting salsa. I wait with bated breath.

Jo Wood and Brendan Cole

Dance: paso doble
Music: Because The Night (Patti Smith)

He does love his power ballads, doesn’t he, our Brendan? Jo’s dress looked almost like it could have come off the peg from Laura Ashley, and Brendan’s shirt looked like they’d given it a last-minute sprinkle with that glitter you get in tubes from craft shops. It was a little bit like a rhumba, especially that part at the beginning where it sort of looked like Brendan was commiserating with Jo for having a bad headache, but I’m still enjoying seeing him go all protective, so I’m glad they survived.

Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas

Dance: quickstep
Music: Put On A Happy Face (Matt Monro)

Put on a happy face (because you have knee surgery in the morning). I’ll say this now – I thought this was chronically undermarked, and not out of sympathy for Phil. Ballroom is definitely his thing, and it would be a shame to lose him if the injury forces it. I fear salsa isn’t so far away from cha-cha that his next dance will be a big improvement, though, because his cha was a bit rubbish, but it’s very hard not to like Tuffers.

Ricky Groves and Erin Boag

Dance: paso doble
Music: One Vision (Queen)

Even after all the trouble Ricky took to point out that the final lyrics of this song are "Fried chicken", the band still got it wrong. Sigh. Brilliant performance, decent dancing, and Erin’s dress was fabulous (reminded me of Alesha’s quickstep dress), but it’s telling that once again they put Ricky’s comedy routine on last. If he has a foxtrot next week, it’s hard to know what they’ll do with it to make it funny…

The padding

After I’d recovered from the excitement of knowing that next week will be foxtrots and salsas all the way, it was time for…a couple of okay pro dances and a really rather awful salsa demonstration. Not that I know much about salsa, but the foxtrot was more exciting. Just sayin’. Matt/Aliona and Darren/Lilia made the best fist they could of finding a beat to dance on in Andy Williams’ rendition of Moon River. Was that it for padding? It must have been.

The dance-off

For me, it was between Rav, Craig, Jo, Joe and Lynda for the dance-off tonight, so no surprises when Rav and Lynda landed in the bottom two. Though I wonder why they made Zoe and James suffer for so long.

There wasn’t much suspense, though, as Rav went wrong at the very beginning of his quickstep reprise and almost seemed to shrug and give up. I feel for him, because he could only dance what he was given, and Aliona’s choreography just didn’t seem to suit him. Lynda, a consummate professional, held things together much better, and it was obvious from Darren’s body language that he knew they were safe even before the judges voted.

Next week: my two favourite dances. Except not really. Where’s the samba when you need it?

Really, we need to have a few weeks of double eliminations just to get them down to a manageable number. This is going to be a long review, so I’ll refrain from doing the blog equivalent of faffing about on the steps and move right along into hold…

Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Daddy (Della Reese)

After Phil’s unexpectedly good waltz last night, I thought we’d see even better from him in a dance which should have been tailor-made for his personality. Unfortunately the dishevelled-but-dapper ballroom dancer turned into something a bit cringey in the cha. Katya looked fetching in a fringey thing made out of Dougal from The Magic Roundabout, but Phil was a bit – well – mincey. His arms and hands weren’t good enough to deserve quite so many New Yorks (and there were a LOT of New Yorks), and the deft footwork of the waltz went all skippedy-skip. Not horrible, but a bit disappointing after the ballroom.

Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace

Dance: rhumba
Music: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (the Amy Winehouse version)

I’m going to stop naming people as my dark horse, because so far my choices have been Richard Dunwoody and Craig Kelly, and it’s just not working out.

I absolutely hate this song at the best of times, and its whimsical, twee whininess doesn’t shout DANCE OF LOVE!!! so I watched this rhumba through clenched teeth and squinty eyes. Flavia’s hair made her look like she’d just got out of the shower (and her dress looked like she’d brought the shower curtain with her). Craig didn’t have an awful lot to do, and his aeroplane arms in the opening-outs were horrible, though he did a decent job of keeping his feet on the floor in his walks. Biggest disappointment? Halfway through I was convinced they were both going to do a Karate Kid crane-kick. Don’t tease so, Flavia.

Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Sway (Rosemary Clooney)

One thing I will say for Anton is that his music choices are pretty representative of what you hear in actual ballroom and Latin classes. Exactly why he thought it would be a good idea to take a really quite decent natural dancer like Laila and turn her cha-cha into a comedy routine is beyond me. It’s been said a thousand times before and I’m going to say it again: Anton’s Latin just isn’t very good, and as the competition progresses he will let his partner down. It’s fine to put basic steps into a routine if you’re going to do them perfectly, but Laila looked sloppy, and you have to wonder if that’s just the extent of the technique she’s been taught. It’s a shame because she looked cracking in her peacock-blue dress. If I were Matt Cutler, I’d be thinking very hard about slipping a dodgy pie into Anton’s dressing room buffet next week…

Zoe Lucker and James Jordan

Dance: rhumba
Music: Out of Reach (Gabrielle)

I was mean about James Jordan yesterday, so today I’m of a mind to be nice. I love the last couple of rhumbas he’s choreographed for his celebrities. Cherie Lunghi’s last year was exquisite and my favourite dance of the live tour (despite the aforementioned James traumatisation). I’m not sure why Len took a disliking to this one, because I didn’t think GET A ROOM! even once. Though perhaps I was distracted by yet another piece of the corpse of Emu, which was hanging off Zoe’s bottom. I do think rhumba is James’ best dance, and I really liked this one. I’m just not totally convinced that Zoe’s personality will get her enough votes when we get towards the sharp end of the competition. Oh, and I never get that thing when the man drags the lady across the floor as if she’s just been hit with a Full Body-Bind Curse.

Jo Wood and Brendan Cole

Dance: rhumba
Music: Fallen (Lauren Wood)

This was so destined to be a complete nightmare that I was almost disappointed when it wasn’t. Okay, Jo’s dress looked like something from 10,000 BC, and I’m fairly certain she’d had more than a few very large drinks before coming out, but it wasn’t terrible and I actually thought the judges were enormously patronising in praising her just for being there. I hope they stay in for a few weeks, partly because I think Jo could improve, and mostly because Brendan’s "Leave the sexy gramma alone!" schtick could lead to some amusing arguments with Craig.

Richard Dunwoody and Lilia Kopylova

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: I’m Your Man (Wham)

When you have a celebrity who’s clearly a bit awkward and self-conscious, it’s a good idea to choose music and choreography that won’t make them feel even more embarrassed. So what was Lilia thinking? (Well, probably that camp and entertaining worked for Ricky Groves last week). Lovely Richard put on his best display of dad-dancing, sported a very fine sequinned shirt and pointed at the audience quite a bit. I found him thoroughly endearing and voted four times. What were the rest of you doing, huh? HUH? (Please refer to yesterday’s blog post regarding my blatant bias and favouritism).

Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe

Dance: rhumba
Music: Stepping Stone (Duffy)

Yes, it was good, and yes, Ricky probably has the most potential of anyone this year based on what we’ve seen so far. That said, Len was spot on with his critique (for once) and it was all a bit sharp and spiky for my taste. And hey, why did no one mention the ILLEGAL LIFT! Hmph.

Natalie is really very good – if perhaps just the teeniest bit steely-eyed-gritted-teeth-full-on-intense – and if I were Erin Boag I’d be quietly gnawing on my own liver right now, because I have the feeling that she’d about to lose her long-undisputed crown as Ballroom Queen. Please God let both couples do a quickstep next week…

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Bang Bang (David Sanborn)

I’m probably going to start most of my reviews of Natalie’s dances with "the girl has front", because for me that’s the most striking thing about her routines. Going out on a circuit of the dance floor without Vincent was a brave thing to do, especially as we saw afterwards how nervous she was. But I have this nagging feeling that Natalie thinks she’s better than she actually is. She ran out of steam in the middle part with all the New Yorks (New Yorks? In a cha-cha on Strictly? Noooo!) and then for some reason we got a lot of salsa-ish arm stuff that reminded me of an horrific ceroc class I once witnessed. I don’t know if the finesse will ever quite get there with this one…

The padding

This week’s time-killing didn’t seem so bad as last – perhaps because it wasn’t 1.30am, or because I was feverishly hitting redial to vote for Richard Dunwoody – and we got some excellent pro dances.

Darren/Lilia, Matt/Aliona, James/Ola and Brendan/Katya did a watchable paso (about a 7 on the scale of Strictly pro dances for me, and not in the league of the Paint It Black Cutlers/Ian’n'Camilla one from two years ago). Though to be fair a rare sighting of the Mattoo would have made it watchable even if they’d been shuffling around on their bums.

NATALIE (and Ian and VinceFlav and AntonErin) turned the quickstep up to eleven. I wouldn’t have been surprised if there’d been a sonic boom at some point. Almost my favourite moment, though, was right at the beginning when Natalie smacked Ian right in the face with the mutilated remains of Basil Brush. Seriously, what is it with the ’80s puppets they’ve been murdering and affixing to the costumes this year? Mark my words – come samba week, Orville the Duck is going to be strapped to someone’s arse. Probably Ola’s. Anyway, Vincent and Flavia also looked excellent, albeit as compact and dark counterpoints to huge and blonde NATALIE (and Ian). For my money, Anton and Erin didn’t sparkle against the other two couples, but we did at least get the three best ballroom couples doing the ballroom demo, and we were spared the sight of both Anton’s hairy chest and Ian’s Cuprinolled bald one.

By dint of elimination that meant Brian and Kristina for the dance to Jamie Cullum, and for once the producer mostly kept to shots of the dancing. I’m not surprised, though, because the foxtrot Smooth they put on was pitch-perfect – pure Hollywood glamour, bright and uplifting. I only feared for Kristina for a moment when Brian, spinning her in circles, looked like he might be intending to bash her into the piano (maybe he doesn’t like jazz?) but it all ended happily.

Well, it would have except for the stupid dance-off.

It’s quite rare for the final three to actually be the bottom three, but as soon as Jo Wood was put through to next week I realised my redialling had been in vain. I almost refused to watch the dance-off in a fit of pique, because I really didn’t want to lose Craig or Richard. Especially as Richard actually danced his cha-cha much better, and didn’t go wrong where he had earlier. Even I reluctantly have to admit that the judges kept the right man in, though, and Len’s consolation after-the-fact vote was a nice touch. So was the genuine affection I detected from the other celebs and dancers when they came out to commiserate with Richard and Lilia. In a way, it’s a relief, a bit like the relief I felt two years ago when Penny was voted out. When something’s both painful and inevitable, perhaps it’s best to just get it over with.

Next week – all fourteen couples! In one show! Dancing the quickstep or the paso! It’s the biggest Strictly ever!

It’s going to be a long winter….

Having 14 or 16 couples makes the early stages of Strictly feel a bit like a marathon. While it might make sense to have all the celebs dance the same handful of dances in their respective first weeks, the endless waltzes and cha-chas get a bit – well – samey. There are only so many times you can watch a whisk and chasse or a syncopated New York and think, "Wow, we’ve not seen that recently!" And it doesn’t help the celebs when their professional partners come out (come ahhht!) and dance the sort of showcase that serves only to illustrate just how very good they can be when they feel like it.

But I’m being ungrateful. To the dances!

Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone

Dance: tango
Music: Spider of the Night

Some of this year’s celebs would be hopeless at poker. Natalie, for example, seems to have decided on her winning strategy. It’s "I’M A BIG GIRL AND WOMEN CAN IDENTIFY WITH ME!!!" with a side helping of "I’M THE BIGGEST STRICTLY FAN EVAH AND I’M LOVING IT!" Which is fine. It’s also nice for Vincent that he has a partner with some personality this year, after last year’s charisma no-go zone.

Anyway, they did a tango, and Natalie got to take her haughty tango face for a spin (not too far off her Sonia-in-a-mardy face). The start was quite dramatic and so was the end, but it sagged in the middle. Next…

Zoe Lucker and James Jordan

Dance: waltz
Music: Some Day My Chav Prince Will Come

I’ve always struggled to takes James Jordan seriously. He kept picking on me at the Strictly tour at the O2 in February by merit of winking and grinning and waving his cape/Ola’s skirt directly at me (my fault for being in the front row). He had the temerity to flyer the car park during our Strictly event in June (would have loved to see him and Ola going around in the torrential rain that night putting their leaflets under windscreen wipers). And now the most tooth-rottingly sickly waltz to the Snow White music. No more, James; you’re hurting my ribs.

The judges loved this one, but I was a bit lukewarm. There’s a stretch of the M25 clockwise between junctions 8 and 9 when the road surface is very juddery, and at times I thought Zoe was dancing on that – especially in her standing spins. It lacked the smoothness and flow I’d associate with a really good waltz, and for a reasonably tall couple I didn’t feel they got much movement out of the steps. Good for a first week effort though.

Craig Kelly and Flavia Cacace

Dance: tango
Music: Jai Ho (Pussycat Dolls)

I was convinced from the training footage that Craig Kelly, who is not Henry Kelly from Going for Gold no matter how much I squint, was going to be great. And actually I thought his tango had a lot going for it. Flavia went all Bollywood with the music and choreo, so there was a funky sort of many-armed Hindu god bit at the beginning, and then it all went a bit paso (in a good way). Craig looked the part and shouted "HA!" a lot. But the judges didn’t much like it and rated it only one point higher than Lynda’s tango last week. I hope they do a good job with the rhumba tonight, because otherwise Craig’s going to be in that mid-table danger zone.

Richard Dunwoody and Lilia Kopylova

Dance: waltz
Music: Truly (Lionel Richie)

Being a lifelong racing fan in no small part due to Desert Orchid’s exploits in the late ’80s, I’m a big fan of Richard Dunwoody, so I make absolutely no excuse for being biased. His waltz wasn’t brilliant on lots of levels, but it was rather touching, and vastly better than Joe Calzaghe’s tango last week. His standing spin actually wasn’t bad at all. If Richard survives elimination tonight, Lilia has a lot of work to do to correct some of the posture issues that come with a career-ending shoulder injury and a lifetime of crouching low on a racehorse’s back, but I’m rooting for them. Though that bit at the end when he had to press his head against Lilia’s boob was pretty weird…

Laila Rouass and Anton du Beke

Dance: tango
Music: El Choclo

Did anyone else think Laila looked a lot like Deanna Troi from Star Trek: TNG with her hair like that?

It’s been a while since we last saw Anton do a tango. I don’t count Kate Garraway’s rag-doll impression in series five. It’s obvious that he’s been plotting how to pull off the perfect tango. 1) Get a partner who isn’t appalling. 2) Pander to Len by starting in hold. 3) Profit.

It was a creditable tango, but as with Zoe Lucker, I didn’t quite get the judge-love. For me, Laila looked disinterested rather than tango-stern, and there was a painful hesitation in the middle when something went wrong. Again, though, good for the first week, and wasn’t it a bit inevitable that they’d play up the Footballers’ Wives rivalry with equal scores?

Phil Tufnell and Katya Virshilas

Dance: waltz
Music: Sam (Olivia Newton-John)

Much has been written about Phil’s laziness. They’ve even played it up on ITT by mentioning how he’s done just about the least training of any of the celebs. And yet what’s been forgotten is what a canny sort old Tuffers is.

He cut a rather old-fashioned image in his tailsuit, even with his hair looking like he’d not bothered to comb it, but he wore it well, and when he started dancing it was with an incredibly natural, easy charm. It was an enjoyable dance to watch because Phil gave no hint whatsoever that he was nervous or uncomfortable or even slightly concerned about getting it wrong or looking stupid (which he didn’t). His footwork was excellent, and it’s seldom mentioned how that contributes to the flow and movement of a dance.

Tuffers won I’m a Celebrity a few years ago by merit of his likeability, and that – combined with a healthy dollop of natural ability – will take him quite far. I wonder if the later stages of Strictly will find him out when finesse becomes more important.

Jo Wood and Brendan Cole

Dance: tango
Music: Let’s Dance (David Bowie)

Brendan probably thinks he’s been given the older lady this year because he’s had models for the last two. He’s wrong. Brendan: Jo Wood is your karmic punishment for That Showdance.

Jo looked terrified in every single shot from the Tesspit, so whoever scheduled her second from last has a sick sense of humour. The hair and make-up department must be similarly twisted because she came out looking like an unholy cross between Barbara Windsor and a Pekingese dog. Brendan delivered on a threat that’s been hanging over Strictly since series three – namely a tango to Let’s Dance – but it did actually work, and the singers didn’t even murder it too badly, so it’s a shame it had to accompany Jo’s tango, which was…well, pretty much what you might have expected…

Ricky Whittle and Natalie Lowe

Dance: waltz
Music: It Is You (I Have Loved) aka That Song From Shrek (Dana Glover)

And here, to the ringing of giant bells rung by the ring-wearing bellringers of Ringston, Ringshire, comes Ricky Whittle. Okay, that’s not really fair, because until Calzaghe’s implosion last week Ricky was only third or fourth favourite, but he seems to have had it in the bag since last week’s mambo. He’s from Hollyoaks, which apparently guarantees him the yoof vote, and took pains to point out that in his day job he’s lucky to be wearing more than just his pants. I make no further comment.

Anyway, he has new pro Hayley Holt Natalie Lowe, and being an old hand at Australian Dancing With The Stars she knows how the game is played. Cue some excellent and inventive choreography. Ricky did slip (which Len ignored when giving him a 9 anyway), and he had a peculiar tendency to dip his head into some steps, especially when in promenade, but yes, he’s good. Get used to him. He ain’t going nowhere.

The judges

It took me a while to decide if Alesha’s shoulders really were up around her ears all night or if that was just the effect created by the mortal remains of Emu stuck to them. Her humongous earrings also had the unfortunate effect of stretching her earlobes floorward. Lest I be criticised for judging only on her appearance, though – she was better this week. I don’t know if she’s been coached, or if Len was just passing her notes from down the desk (it’s possible that one of them had se-VERN! written on it), but she did manage to contribute more this week than last.

The group desecration of Michael Jackson’s still-warm corpse

No, it wasn’t that bad, but you know. Actually, it was a ridiculously huge improvement on the mambo from last week. As usual, it was hard to pick out much detail with seven couples on the floor, the frantic camerawork and the mentally scarring sight of Ian Waite doing his damnedest to show off the terrain south of his bellybutton on primetime television. Ali Bastian seemed to be wearing the bits of Emu that weren’t adorning Alesha’s shoulders, but looked very good. Chris Hollins is still a cracking mover, but Ola needs to do something about his hands; possibly with a meat cleaver. Joe Calzaghe showed glimmers of promise and definitely looked much more comfortable in a group situation. And Ricky Groves continued on his quest to book himself into the late stages of the series with a pretty damned perfect moonwalk which didn’t require him to open his mouth even a little bit.

Roll on the – sigh – endless rhumbas and cha-chas…

So, after Friday’s ballroom blitz, the prospect of some hot Latin action was thrilling. Well, except for the fact that the ballroom round was a bit rubbish, Latin is usually tougher for celebs to sell – oh, yes, and the dances were rhumba and cha-cha-cha. Joy. I did wonder why it is that no one pointed out that they’re basically the same dance. Very different moods, but fundamentally the same steps except with a four-and-one for cha and a fourrrr-one for rhumba, and the same technique of needing to straighten the weight-bearing leg for both. Obviously, hardly anyone actually straightened their legs in either dance tonight, but hey, everyone loves Alesha’s cha-cha…

Jade Johnson and Ian Waite

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Ain’t No Other Man (Christina Aguilera)

Another interesting fact omitted from the show tonight: Jade danced a cha-cha with Roger Black for Sport Relief a year or two ago. So not entirely unfamiliar territory for her, and she sold the dance pretty well. It was good to see an Ian cha-cha – his first with a celebrity partner since Zoe Ball in 2005. (I’m not sure wardrobe are going in the right direction with him, though. Last time I saw a garment like that shirt…thing, its wearer was dancing in a cage at a nightclub. Do not want.) Anyway, I thought Jade needed to work on straightening her legs, but it was a very solid start, and better than her waltz last night.

Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna

Dance: rhumba
Music: That’s What Friends Are For (Dionne Warwick et al)

My mum commented that Ali looks like Paris Hilton right before she danced tonight, which was really distracting.

The expectation was on for Ali after a good start on the waltz on Friday. She delivered with a nice rhumba. Yup, it’s the n word again! The girl can definitely dance, and there’s a level of polish to her performances that I’ve not really seen on anyone else’s yet. Brian’s doing a very good job (and looked better in his shiny silver shirt than the wine waiter jacket) and there must be a connection there, which I’d like to see more of. The music didn’t do it for me, though. It was too nice, not sexy, romantic or passionate enough, and the harmonica bit briefly took me back to summer holidays in the 80s with endless repeats of The Littlest Hobo. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wanna settle down… I want to see them not be nice, so hopefully they’ll get a tango or paso next. If they can make the paso doble nice, I’ve underestimated them.

Lynda Bellingham and Darren Bennett

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John and Kiki Dee. Or Ru Paul. I like the Ru Paul version myself.)

Uh oh – Darren’s broken out the Elton John greatest hits again, and we all know what THAT means. Well, except Lynda’s cha-cha probably won’t be sanctified like The Jill Jive. It was a bit on the slow side – in fact, I’ve seen continents move faster than Lynda’s Cuban breaks – but I loved her huge smile all the way through. Even when she went all wrong, she just kept smiling, and that made me smile. She and Darren have a level of interaction in their routines that I enjoy, even if she’s not a great dancer. She knows she’ll never be the best dancer, but she’s not John Sergeant, either, and Darren worked wonders with Letitia, so I’d like to see them get through a few weeks. Darren’s hair was no better than Friday though.

Rav Wilding and Aliona Vilani

Dance: rhumba
Music: Temptation

After the tango last night, I Tweeted to Rav suggesting that making his hands nice would be a good thing. He didn’t listen because his hands were still horrible. But I actually rather liked his rhumba. It’s hard to argue with Len in that there was a lot of posturing and posing, and I fear Aliona’s inexperience with the ways of Strictly will let them down – illegal lifts, pose-y rhumbas – next thing you know she’ll be faffing about with capes in the paso. Rav could only dance the routine he was given, and if he wants higher marks in the future his pro needs to give him more actual steps to do. But I thought he had the mood and story of the dance spot on, and I feel he could progress.

Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan

Dance: rhumba
Music: Don’t Know Much

Ola’s never had much luck with her celebs on Strictly. They’ve either gone out too soon (Spoony) or just been rubbish (Kenny Logan, Andrew Castle). That’s probably contributed to my not rating her especially highly as a Strictly pro. But I’m beginning to think that the fault has been entirely with her partners, because something fantastic has happened to her: Chris Hollins.

I had him mentally pencilled in as a no-hoper before the start of the series, but how wrong he has proved me. Just as his tango was my favourite dance of the ballroom round, so his rhumba was my favourite Latin dance of the evening. Of course it wasn’t perfect – his hands need work and so does his hip action (though his legs were less bendy than most) – but he moved well, captured the essence of the dance, and completely defied the usual convention of male celebs struggling to find the intimacy for rhumba. It’s all down to the very tangible chemistry he’s developed with Ola and it’s lovely to see. So was James’s reaction backstage. (Brave man, sending his wife out to dance with another bloke wearing a couple of hankies tied together with shoelaces.)

Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Chain of Fools (Aretha Franklin)

Oh, God, I was really hoping to have something good to say about this. Apparently so were the judges. I hope they have very secure locks on their dressing room doors. But it’s just hard to find very much positive about Joe’s cha-cha. He did smile more – though it was intermittent, and the overall effect every time he remembered he needed to smile was a bit rictus-like – and appeared to enjoy himself, especially when he got to do some boxing. Unfortunately that just reminded me of the ill-advised headbanging in Andrew Castle’s tango last year. Poor Kristina. On paper they looked so good…

Martina Hingis and Matthew Cutler

Dance: rhumba
Music: Alone (Heart)

I had a good snigger to myself at the start of the routine when I recognised the song. "I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone." It’s always made me think of an anguished customer service adviser in a 24 hour call centre, desperate to close a sale. "How do I get you a loan? How do I get you a loan? A LOAN? A LOAN?!" The singer really couldn’t belt out the money notes on tune, though, which is tantamount to sacrilege.

Epic Heart power ballads aside, Martina’s rhumba didn’t move me. That may be because I was mostly watching Matthew, who just makes all his Latin dances look so effortless, or it may be that I was trying not to bias myself against Martina by avoiding looking at her TEETH. Like her waltz, the rhumba was both a bit stiff and a bit floppy.

Ricky Groves and Erin Boag

Dance: cha-cha-cha
Music: Jump For Your Love (Pointer Sisters)

I wasn’t a fan of Erin’s last cha (Austin’s routine to It’s Raining Men), but the producers pitched it exactly right as the final competitive dance of the night. After Ricky’s frozen-in-terror look in the waltz, I expected his cha to fizzle, but he must have had a few of the shandies Bruno was on last night, because it was fantastic. Well, it wasn’t fantastic as a cha-cha-cha, but it was a fabulous example of how to harness the power of personality and charm where talent is lacking. Ricky stomped, he flirted, he counted one-two-cha-cha-cha a lot – and it was brilliant. Before he danced I commented that he’d need to pull something out to avoid the bottom two based on his waltz – and he did exactly that.

That was it for the competitive dances. We then had some padding – rather a lot of padding as it transpired – to pass the time it took for the board to revolve. The new girls Aliona Vilani, Natalie Lowe and Katya Virshilas did a murky sort of samba-cha-salsa-ish pro dance with Matt, Ian and Brendan. Bruce talked to Darcey Bussell, whose nose completely transfixed me. They ran some VT of the celebs talking about dreams come true and journeys and all the usual guff. The judges repeated themselves. I made a cup of tea. Katherine Jenkins sang something and, right before they appeared on screen, I correctly predicted Vincent and Flavia would be doing a rhumba to it. The pro partnerships that don’t include at least one new foreign girl did another medley of stuff to the music of Sweet Charity, and Camilla and Tom reprised their acid trip of a showdance from last year. Sadly, they didn’t make the other group of celebs do their car-crash mambo routine again (I would have liked to see the "fighting to board a crowded tube train" part again).

The results

At (long) last we got to the dance-off, and as per usual the earnest assertion of "no particular order" just sounded ridiculous in the face of a close replication of the leaderboard positions. Ali and Brian, Chris and Ola, Ricky and Erin, Jade and Ian. Lynda and Darren – that’s the Loose Women vote, then. And finally Joe and the long-suffering Kristina (who must be torn between relief and despair), leaving Rav and Aliona and Matt and Martina to fight it out in the dance-off.

Though I preferred Rav’s rhumba to Martina’s (A LOAN!), I really thought the judges would make an example of him – first celebrity to dance and first to leave – and I felt very bad for him, because I’d probably have thrown a vote his way if I’d been watching live instead of watching camp centurions stomping up and down the O2 Arena. Given that it was inevitable Alesha would vote for Martina and Matt, things looked grim for Rav, and I even felt a pang for poor Aliona – told off by Len twice in her first two shows and on the verge of being kicked out first week. So it was a pleasant surprise that Martina got the push, because much as I like watching Matt, sometimes watching him dance with Martina meant I’d also catch sight of her TEETH. Maybe I’d have got used to them, like I’ve got used to Erin’s TEETH, but now we’ll never know.

Next week, I may miss Friday’s show because a certain individual has decided to have his leaving do on Friday night during Strictly, but I’ll catch up and blog as before. I’m predicting praise for Ricky Whittle, Zoe Lucker and Laila Rouass, mediocrity for Craig Kelly and slating for Natalie Cassidy, Phil Tufnell and poor, poor Richard Dunwoody, who may give Joe Calzaghe a run for his money…

First things first: that opening pro medley was gorgeous. Whoever choreographed it (a little bird tells me it was Erin and Matt) deserves a biscuit. It’s almost not fair to start with a blistering routine like that and then expect the shaking, petrified celebrities to follow it. (I’d think the pros would have been a bit moist and sweaty, too, which can’t have been that nice to dance with. Hint to anyone on the show who may be reading this: Driclor. Seriously.)

Rav Wilding and Aliona Vilani

Dance: tango
Music: Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing (Chris Isaak)

So Rav Wilding was in the fortunate – or unfortunate – position of coming out first. Fortunate because historically the first couple to dance has always made it to the final (Natasha Kaplinsky, Julian Clary, Darren Gough, Matt Dawson, Matt di Angelo, Tom Chambers), and the murmurs were that Rav should be a contender. He’s a good-looking chap with an engaging personality, and I liked him. Unfortunately, his tango didn’t excite me. Alesha (in her only really insightful comment of the night – more on that later though) called him “stompy”, and that was my remark too. He’s a big chap, so lightness of foot will probably be a challenge, but… Well, we’ve just had a new fridge-freezer delivered, one of those side-by-side American ones, and…do you see where I’m going with this? Oh yes, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who shrieked “Illegal lift!” at the end. Slappy wristy for new girl Aliona Vilani.

Ricky Groves and Erin Boag

Dance: waltz
Music: What’ll I Do (Alison Krauss), aka the theme tune from Birds of a Feather

Ricky, like pretty much everyone else, looked terrified, but after Mr Stompy I found his waltz with Erin rather endearing. The girl knows her ballroom routines, that’s for sure. And Brucie’s “old banger” quip gave her a rather nice opportunity to show off this year’s new addition to the Erin package: her sense of humour. Given that I singled Ricky out before the show as my choice to leave first, I think I’ve done him a disservice. It’ll be interesting to see what he does in the Latin tomorrow.

Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan

Dance: tango
Music: Sharp Dressed Man (ZZ Top)

Well, this was a complete surprise. To be fair, having seen Chris and Ola on BBC Breakfast this morning, I did think they had a good connection – better than we’ve yet seen for Ola – but their tango was an unexpectedly lively affair. Craig was cruel with his trout face comment. I though Chris sold his tango expression jolly well for a non-actor, and his footwork was sharper than anyone else’s. He could be the dark horse. Though if they get to the Viennese waltz…oh dear.

Jade Johnson and Ian Waite

Dance: waltz
Music: Weekend in New England (Barry Manilow)

I’m not sure I’ll ever warm to someone who can say, with a straight face, “long jump is my life”. My memories of long jump take me back to the halcyon days of being so bad at it that I was usually assigned the job of raking the sandpit instead of actually jumping, in case I hurt myself. Still, she has probably the best teacher of the lot, and Ian typically does a cracking job of choreography and partnering, too. Overall, I was slightly disappointed – Jade did stumble a few times, and there were more than a couple of moments when I thought Ian was manhandling her around, but she has something to build on. Latin will be interesting for her as the tall girl, though she’s not as big as Jodie or Penny, so there’s hope yet. (However, Ian’s hat in training? No. Just no.)

Martina Hingis and Matthew Cutler

Dance: waltz
Music: Jesse (Roberta Flacks)

Martina’s teeth bother me. There, I’ve said it.

The judges’ remarks that she was stiff up top but wobbly in the middle made perfect sense to me. Her topline looked all wrong – her left arm wasn’t resting comfortably on Matt’s elbow at all – but she did seem to lose all tension through her stomach at times. I’d earmarked Martina as this year’s Gabby – technically proficient but unpopular – but based on a rather unmemorable waltz, that may prove wrong. Matt, like Ian, always makes his partners look good in ballroom, but the control required for rhumba could find Martina out. I didn’t feel any connection or chemistry between them, and I’m not sure if Martina has the temperament for criticism, given her face when the judges made their remarks…

Lynda Bellingham and Darren Bennett

Dance: tango
Music: Under Pressure (Queen and David Bowie)

Token older woman Lynda had real gravy-tas. Yeah, I had to get that one out of my system. Anyway, I rather liked the musical choice (though the singers squawked once or twice on the high notes – Freddie M they ain’t), and from a choreographical point of view it was my favourite of the night. Darren really uses every high point of his music and there were some exquisite touches. I felt Lynda flagged as the dance went on, and by the end of it she looked very tired, but it was enjoyably acted. Also, Darren’s tango face is an eternal treat. (His hair, though – oh dear me…)

Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna

Dance: waltz
Music: Reach Out And Touch (Aretha Franklin)

Well, their waltz was nice. Ali seems nice. Brian is very nice. It was a nice dance. (I hated the music.) Ali definitely had the most natural coordination and musicality of anyone we saw tonight. But it didn’t excite me. Perhaps excitement is too much to expect from a waltz at this stage of the competition? It’s not generally until later than we see the really cracking waltzes. I want to see some more connection and personality. Though I loved Brian’s reverse psychology in training. (But not his white jacket. He looked like a cruise ship wine waiter).

Joe Calzaghe and Kristina Rihanoff

Dance: tango
Music: Cite Tango (traditional)

They saved the best for last! Or – er – um – well, actually, they didn’t. I’m a bit baffled really. Maybe it was just pure nerves? But in direct defiance of all the hype, Joe really didn’t impress. To his credit, he did manage to keep his knees flexed throughout, but somehow there wasn’t much going on. I felt the music didn’t help – it didn’t seem to have any momentum (I was expecting a tempo increase at some point to give things a bit of impetus). Hopefully the cha-cha tomorrow will require a bit less acting and help Joe to relax into the dance a bit more, because I’d hate for Kristina to have another John Sergeant on her hands.

The judges

Actually, just seeing Len sitting in a different seat confused me nearly as much as the Strictly-on-Friday thing. I know they all sat in different places in the early series, but Len in Arlene’s seat? (I suppose they didn’t want the flak that would ensue from Alesha literally taking Arlene’s place.) Anyway, Len might be grateful not to have Bruno shouting in his ear, but he’s going to have to put up with Alesha’s Muttley laugh instead.

Craig was his usual delightfully acid self. (I did notice he avoided eye contact with Joe when he was criticising him, though). Long may it last, and if Darcey Bussell is going to replace him later in the series, I’ll miss his honesty.

Len was Len, and if I rolled my eyes when he broke out the “Se-VERN!” for the first time, at least he refrained from mentioning it was series se-VERN too.

Alesha…how can I put this? Well, perhaps how I described it on Twitter: she’s the Strictly equivalent of nipples on the Batsuit. She’s just way out of her depth, and on the few occasions when Bruce asked her opinion first, I felt a bit sorry for her. “One word: fierce” does not justify a £100,000 salary. She’d have been much better in Tess’s backstage role, celebrating or commiserating with the celebs by turns as someone who really knew how it felt to be there.

However, what she lacked in value was entirely made up for by the force of nature that is Bruno Tonioli. Did he really tell Joe Calzaghe that he should go down on Kristina? I really hope he did, because that would rank up there with “produce her breast” in the all-time great Strictly slips of the tongue. Fabulous.

The group mambo

And that brings me to the group mambo. I’m going to steal from my own Tweets again – twice. Overall, it was like seeing kids run into each other, knock heads and fall down. You know you shouldn’t be laughing at their pain – but it’s just so funny. As we saw last year especially, these complicated early group dances are a complete recipe for disaster. And then there was that glorious moment in the middle when it all went hideously wrong, with dancers and celebrities resembling nothing so much as a crowd of Emperor penguins attempting to find their mates. Tuffers literally elbowing his way through the crush to find his partner made us howl.

It did show us the potential of next week’s line-up, though. Ricky Whittle already looks like the one to beat, and both Zoe Lucker and Laila Rouass looked good. Sadly my favourite, Richard Dunwoody, looked completely and utterly lost – enjoying himself, but totally bewildered. Maybe his ballroom will be better…or maybe not.

Anyway, an entertaining, interesting and ultimately rather surprising night. I’m out tomorrow night, so I won’t be blogging the Latin round and results until Sunday morning.

But what do you guys think? Post your comments!